I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
