I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
