Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
