just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize