I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
