I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
