I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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