the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
