just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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