i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
