I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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