no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize