I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
