I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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