Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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