What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
