he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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