I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
