she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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