you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
