I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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