My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
