I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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