oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
