I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
