Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize