im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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