the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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