....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
