There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
