I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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