guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
