youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
