Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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