I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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