I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
