I hope mine doesn't look like that
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
