That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
MIDGETS
????
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
