After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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