You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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