yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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