those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
