I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
