remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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