My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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