Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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