you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
