I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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