it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I did not marry a roomba.
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