i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
