They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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