well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
