Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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