how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
