He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
