i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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