why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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